i was really surprised when i received that message from my friendster account. I thought this day will never come since the last time i saw the person who wrote the above message...she was very furious and fuming with anger. I am a very peaceful person and I am afraid to lose a friend - especially old buddies, there was even a point in which I hate myself for being such a pleaser - saying YES for almost all of the favors my friends are asking from me since I dont want them to get hurt nor feel bad if I decline . Sometimes, I trade my own happiness just to restore the friendship and to continue the good relationship that we have...but I am only human - humans are not infallible...humans do make mistakes...humans can lose their patience as well...
I met her when I was still working for a shipping line - my first ever job...she was my batch mate. I already saw her, i believe, on my first job interview...she was the girl before me. I still remember when the good news was given to her that her application was accepted ( i can barely hear the conversation she had with the hr specialist from outside the room)...she makes the sign of the cross maybe as a way of thanking God for the job as she passed by me having this big smile on her face.From that same moment...i already knew that our friendship would click. From that time, I already knew that she would make a big impact on my life...
And so it goes, we became the best buddies...I know i have my own bestfriend and she had hers but for me I was never as close to my bestfriend as I was with her. She has been like a sister to me...I can tell her things I can never tell my own sister since i know she would never understand (my ate is so conservative by the way). And though she already resigned, our friendship still remains. There was even a point in my life in which I rented a room in their house because I want to be independent...and no better way to do that than to live with the person you trust and knows you so much since she already knows your behavior. There was even a time as well in which she asked me to apply for a job in the company in which she is now part of so we can be together and at the same time so i can also benefit from the "promised land" -> sorry i cannot elaborate on this...Everything seems to be working fine...as time goes by, i was able to slowly see the disadvantages of having a friend as a direct superior (yeah i accepted it just because of the "promised land" along with it and a commitment of the company to make my life better after a year). The friend knows me so much that she is almost sure of the things I am doing and always keeps an eye on me because she is afraid that if i made a mistake... she will be the one to be blamed because of my actions since shes the one who recommended me to her boss...the friend tends to overlook my feelings and made me feel dumb and stupid... giving me the feeling of being incapable when I know inside I can do waaaaaay more than this....things seems to go from bad to worse with my relationship with her as my direct superior that ive decided i cant let her do this to me...small mistakes turned into big arguments...small flaws made her sooo angry to the point of her shouting at me in front of everybody and later on realizing im not the one who made the mistake but another employee...most afternoon was spent on the comfort room - interrogating me...constantly reminding me that its because of her that I am with this company, making me feel inferior, grabbing my passion to do my best on everything i lay my hands on...
I knew i need to do my own thing...especially if things are not working out for me. I need to decide for myself and I need to stand up for it. This is a time in a mans life in which although you want to say YES - you know deep inside saying NO will make you better and happier... So I asked her if I could resign (after 3 months of my stay) - i dont want to ruin the friendship so i gave her different set of reasons why i need to leave, I told her monetary reasons, a family issue and even a plan to go outside the country just to make her believe... I cant tell her that she is slowly pulling me down, cant tell her that I curse everyday I am going to that office because I know the moment I made a little mistake at that place - i would hear something from her that I can ignore....only if she is not my friend...I cant tell her that if she continue to act like that...our friendship will gradually come to an end- but instead of understanding me...she got mad. She told me things I never imagine her saying to me...i cant grasp the thought that she is capable of saying such striking words to a friend...just because she is resigning! I can still remember my last day in that office, I am literally crying a river because I am explaining to her my reasons why i need to leave but she keeps on saying things that hurted me so bad...such as "walang utang na loob" , "traydor", "ahas". Is this the price I have to pay just because I am quitting my job? Do I deserve being treated like this just because Im not staying on this company - not even HER company? Maybe I would understand if she owns it...but if she is also just an employee like me, do i really deserve being called a traitor????Im even very much willing to stay for 30 days just to have my peaceful exit but she ruined it... that very day, I cant take it no more so I picked up my things and left that company....left the office that caused me pain and misery for almost three long months... the office that shook my faith on my dear friend... i left that office knowing I will never ever go back.
So goes my life, I slowly regained my trust and confidence in myself that I missed for so long. I am now slowly putting back the pieces of myself that has been shattered for a while and im happy that I am able to put my trust again to new friends and hopefully in the near future I can be ready to face the old ones as well. That experience is so tragic that I hid myself from my old buddies since I want to distant myself from being hurt again the same intensity as the previous one.
I wrote this story not to condemn or denounce her...i wrote this so that one way or the other...my old buddies who feels that I have abandoned or forgotten them may be able to know that I became invisible from them to restore the friendship...I had this thinking before that the more you got close to someone, the more painful it will be if there'll come a time that same situation happens...but i've realized that each one of us has their own individuality, not all of us are the same. So Ill make myself visible again, im again ready to take a chance of having good friendships with the new acquaintances and especially old buddies.
And to you my long lost friend, I thank you for making the first move. Thanks for letting me know that your wounds have already healed...thanks for telling me that for the sake of those times we've shared before, you're ready to forget about that nightmare. I also want to let you know that you have always been in my prayers..same with your entire family. You have been so good to me and I thank you for making me realize how important you are to me because that experience hurted me so bad...which only means that you have the capacity to hurt me that much coz you have been the closest friend Ive ever had. I continue to pray that life will be kind to you and your family and if God allows us to continue the friendship that we had before...I am more than happy to take that opportunity once again. I still love you my friend, I understand that maybe you just love me so much that you want to keep me close to you and have the best life as well (because of the "promise land")...but you must also remember the old saying " friendship is like a bird in your hand...hold it too loosely it will slip out through your fingers...hold it too tightly and it will die..." , but as what you've mentioned on your letter...let bygones be bygones.I hope through this I can be able to let you know Im still here and Im still thanking God whenever I remember you...
"May the LORD keep an eye on us while we are separated from each other." - Gen. 31:49
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